Over A Fence

Hello faithful blog followers, (all 1 of you)

So, I was out working in the yard, raking leaves actually, and totally procrastinating.
But before I delve into the topic of today's blog, let me just say what I was trying so, so hard not to do.
We have a beautiful back yard, once a blank slate with nothing but odd geographical elevation, weeds and lots and lots of rocks, is now a flourishing oasis. Complete with water feature, custom built deck, arbors, trellises, hot tub, and bbq grill, all enclosed by a huge fence. So, the job, sand and stain the fence. Jason, my darling husband wants the rear section of fence, (all 135 feet), sanded (since he power washed the crap out of it, and it is now all "fuzzy" and the "fuzz" soaks up stain, which is very expensive) and stained. Well, he completed maybe a fifth of it, and then got bogged down in school-work and studying for work related rank stuff. So, since I have yet to start my job, he figured I have all kinds of time on my hands, so I should do it. I can tell you this, after completing several intensive projects this summer, including laying flagstone, putting in a slab of concrete and running the wiring for a hot tub, and then building a deck section to butt up against the hot tub, and then staining the hand-rail of the large deck AND fixing a large 20ft square corner area of the yard and about another 100ft x 3ft of grass repair, lets just say when autumn got here, I was thrilled, thinking "Oh, finally, no more projects! It's finally cold and wet enough to signal the end of the summer-project season. Now time to relax and do indoor things!" Yeahhhh.... NO!!! I guess not. Every semi-nice day we've had so far this fall has been filled with the nagging expectation of MY (not HIS), my working on the fence. Now let it be understood; I love my husband and I totally support and understand his inability to work on the fence. But, truth be told I DO NOT CARE about the fence getting done this year. I am DONE working on projects and totally did/do not want to work on the fence. So, every rainy day, I have in inward celebration for having a legitimate reason not to work on the fence. I will come up with excuses why not to work on the fence. It's too wet, It's too cold, I have to go hang out with your sister (don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with my sister-in-law, but I am way too happy to have that as an excuse) ect...

Lately it's been harder to motivate myself to workout, but today, I was oh, so happy to do so, rather than working on the darned fence. Did you catch that??? I would rather work my butt off exercising and cleaning the house than do the fence. I mean I really do not want to do it!!! So, without getting into it too much more, I did in-fact work on the fence today. I both sanded and stained a 30-plank section of fence, (with a procrastinating break in the middle for raking and hand-picking up the leaves and drinking hot apple cider).

The reason: I love my husband.
Now, I don't want to paint a picture of myself as a "sainted wife" or anything but the truth is, no matter how much I really didn't want to do it and hated the thought of it, and came up with so many excuses why not to, the end result will always be the same. I do things I really don't want to because I love my husband more.

I started the blog out talking about raking leaves, and as I did so (and working on the ****ing fence) I listened to music on my iphone. One of my favorite artists is John Mayer, and one of his songs came on. It's called "home life" and I stopped at one point to listen to the lyrics.

I can tell you this much
I will marry just once
And if it doesn't work out
Give her half of my stuff
It's fine with me
We said eternity
And I will go to my grave
With the life that I gave
Not just some melody line
On a radio wave
It dissipates
And soon evaporates
But home life doesn't change

That is my point-of-view too! The point is, you say "I do", for better or for worse, forsaking all others, and that means yourself. Sigh. I have thought many times of making this point to my husband when he doesn't want to do something that I do, but God turned the finger back at me, and said "What about you, Megan?? Would you forsake yourself and what YOU want for this man I have given you??" Point taken God, point taken.

Even today's devotions pointed to that truth. God wants us to have sincere, obedient hearts. He doesn't care about how things look on the outside, he cares about our attitudes and actions.
Matthew 16:24-27
        Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up
their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s 
glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done. "

I do not mean to say that doing something small like this, honoring my husband I mean, is in any way fulfilling that command in even a small approximation of what God intends for us. But at the very least, in laying down our lives for Christ, we should lovingly serve those we love. Food for thought :))

Goodbye Sun, Hello Sunshine

So, thankfully it started raining today, so I took advantage and sat down and watched a movie, one of my favorites actually. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If you've never seen it, do. It's not perfectly clean, but it breaks away from the traditional love-stories and is a feast for the eyes and the mind. 

It's a story about two random people; Joel Barrish and Clementine Crizenski. It's Valentines day and Joel wakes up with horrible, hangover-type symptoms, pages from his journal missing, new pajamas he doesn't remember putting on, let alone owning and a huge gash/dent on his car that is both horrible and inexplicable. As he is heading to work, he randomly decides to ditch work and go to the freezing, snowy beaches of Montauk, NY. Ducking out of the snow, he sits down to coffee in a little diner across from a strange but attractive woman with wild blue hair and a bright orange sweater. I won't ruin it for you, you'll just have to watch it for yourself. But, the ending sums up what I truly believe about being in a committed relationship, especially when they get hard.

             Here it is: Despite faults, flaws, things that drive you crazy about the person you love, at the end of the day you CHOSE. Would you rather live with the imperfections, the annoying habits, the heartache and heartbreak they sometimes give you, or be alone? Would you rather deal or do without them?

             In the end you CHOSE to love them, and ignore the toilet seat being left up for the millionth time. You CHOSE to love them. Love is accepting the good and bad, the beautiful and the ugly, soaking in each and every memory and loving the person despite the fact that they're not perfect.

                        Change your heart. It will astound you :)

Just a little "Hi"

Hey there faithful blog followers. I just wanted to jot a quick note of apology for not posting in about a week now I think it's been. Whew! Life can get busy and I can get distracted. I have been working on writing down some thoughts, but as is typical from the Lord, He sometimes has a lot to say. My heart has been overwrought with good things from Him, and I feel it is important to take time to let those things soak into my soul and heart and take them in before writing them down. That, and it's hard to break it down into smaller "blog-size" topical blogs :) Never fear, posting to come soon. Thanks.

Happily Ever After?

This posting goes out especially to the young, unmarried ladies out there, who may be disillusioned (like I was) prior to marriage. Those of you who are married may find yourself laughing or nodding along with me. And please, if you have any undiscovered tips or questions, leave a comment :))

Ok, so, the title. All of us ladies (and even a few guys) know what I'm talking about here. We grow up watching Disney-like movies where each and every Princess or female heroine has their humble beginnings; Snow White, Jasmine, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty ), Belle, Ariel, Mulan, Pocahontas, Maid Marian, Lady (as in Lady & the Tramp), Giselle, and Rapunzel, Tiana (Princess & the Frog), Megara (Hercules), Jane (Tarzan), Penelope, Anastasia, and of course, Cinderella. Each have to face some adversity, whether that means an abusive family or a fierce dragon, and then their man comes to rescue them and sweep them off their feet. They get married and then live "happily ever after". In no subsequent moves that I've ever seen do they show what happens after the wedding, when real, married life sets in.

So, we young, Christian women, have our parents and then the relationships we see in the movies as role models for what our future marriages will look like. I was fortunate enough not to have any marital issues, divorce or even open arguments modeled for me, so as a young bride, I though going into marriage was going to be pure, fairy-tale bliss; with my prince charming carrying my off into the sunset and living happily, thereafter. What I didn't account for was that my husband is a person, and not a fictional character, and also a MAN and not some chick-flick guy who hangs on my every breath and word and can't live one second without me. I've dated guys like that, and it's actually really annoying!

My man is an absolute STUD, who has a very demanding and dangerous job that he loves and besides that he is relatively independent in relationships, compared to me, who would have lived with my parents until I was 40, had I not gotten married. I am actually more like that annoying guy who hangs on his woman's every word and action. Or at least I was at first. I was all about my man, and didn't really work at creating my own life outside of him. Now, sure, most newlywed women proabably do this to some degree, and to some degree, it's ok, because your husband comes home to you every night. But in my case, my husband works 9-13 hour days, leaves town frequently for work-related training (sometimes as much as 2/4 weeks per month) and then deploys for 6months at a time. I remember the moment I had to decide whether to continue to let my life be tied to my husband and what he was doing or take the aggressive steps necessary to make my life full during the first deployment; making friends, getting a job, getting involved in activities and hobbies with other people. Sadly, I didn't make the necessary steps to "stay busy" during the first deployment, and so I missed out on the richness and fullness of life without my husband for that first six-month deployment, and was very lonely. Of the three deployments, the first was the hardest, for that reason. I think I was disillusioned that "being one flesh" meant we were going to do everything together, and unlike most traditional relationships, ours was destined to be anything but, due to the demands of his job.

My expectations and reality were not matching up. I was freaking out all the time because we weren't "OK", meaning the life I thought I was supposed to be having (the happily-ever-after), wasn't happening. I was focusing so much on him, that my relationship with HIM, was suffering, so much so that my relationship with God was practically non-existent. It was strange to realize that my husband was becoming almost an idol-like figure in my life, taking my focus away from where it should have been. I was so dependent on my hubby that it was messing with my priorities. That's why I am 100% convinced that God chose Jason for me, because He knew that his job would take the competition for my heart away from him, and put it back on God, out of pure need. Life during deployments and TDY's get pretty lonely. And also, I've prayed for girl-friends for years and it seemed that God was not listening. I wondered "why is it so hard to send a great woman or two along to help support and encourage me through the hard, lonely times?" But God knew better. He knew that my focus needed to be shifted back to where it belongs.

So, realizations: my husband is supposed to be my best friend, yes (which he is). He is NOT, however going to meet my every need, see to my every whim, and do everything I want him to, or be the bosom friend that I so desperately wanted. That's what girlfriends are for.

So, what I've learned since being married.

• God should be my primary focus, and where I should go to for the source of my happiness, and not my husband, as he cannot meet all my needs. He isn't supposed to.
• I need to let my husband be the man that he is; not expecting him to spill his guts to me every hour, let alone every day.
• I need to tell him my needs, and not expect him to read my mind. It may not be as romantic (to us girls it feels like a laundry list or something), but then it's not as if you haven't told him if he says he didn't know.
• Be willing to forgive, laugh, and let him be who he is, loving every minute of it!
• I need be OK, if things aren't picture-perfect, if there's a little tension, disagreement or slightly heated discussion. That a big one for me.
• Get some girl-friends who will do the girly things (that a man won't), and have good heart to heart talks.
• A lasting relationship doesn't mean you'll always be seriously in love, it means you'll always be seriously committed!

Seeing God in The Giving Tree

         Since I was young, this has always been one of my favorite books. I recently read this book after not reading it for 5 or 6 years, and it moved me to tears, due to its beautiful, simple message. The Giving Tree is a story about a tree and a boy. The tree loves the boy. The boy “loves" the tree. Each time the boy comes to her, she gives everything she can to make him happy. And his happiness makes her happy. She does not demand, judge, offer advice, get angry, ask “what about me?” Each time she gives, she gives selflessly. Her love is unconditional. I am moved to tears, each time I read it. If I think too much about it, however, it also makes me angry. The boy, specifically, makes me angry. In the beginning, the boy and the tree share beautiful, innocent time together. Their relationship is strong, much like a mother-son relationship. But time passes, and the boy starts to grow up and becomes selfish. He does not spend time with the tree any longer. Instead, he has gained a notion that happiness is found, not in spending time with the tree, but in things, found elsewhere. Forgetting that he once loved the tree and found his happiness with her, he asks the tree to make him happy by giving him things she does not have; money, a house, a boat. He does not ask humbly, he only thinks of himself. The tree is willing to give anything she can to meet his needs, each time the gift is more and more costly to the tree. Each time he returns the tree is overjoyed to see him, and gives without a though to herself. Each time, the boy returns, he seems more and more unhappy, and it takes more and more to make him happy. Once he gets what he wants, he takes without thanking the tree, and leaves her alone for a long time. In the end, the tree has given everything she has, and nothing remains of the beautiful tree but an old stump. Eventually the boy returns, having spent his life pursuing things, none of which have made him happy. They are both old and spent. Despite the fact that she has given everything she has, she is still happy to give of herself, one last time, as the boy sits down on her, the stump - all that remains of the once beautiful giving tree.

I think I love this story so, because it illuminates parallels between mankind's relationship with God.

The tree, like God, shows unconditional love to the boy, wants relationship with him, and provides for, shelters, and loves the boy. Any time the boy goes to the tree, the tree is happy to see him, and willing to help him. The tree does not complain, demand, get angry, or hurt at his selfishness, ungratefulness or at being left alone. She shows unconditional love to the boy, despite his not loving or thinking or giving to her in return. But unlike the tree, God doesn’t just give us everything we ask for. God wants us to find our happiness in Him. Many times I’ve heard people say “God wants me to be happy!" NO! God does not want to us to be happy. God wants us to find our happiness in HIM!

The boy, like man, has the flawed idea that happiness can be found outside time with the tree/God, in things and other places. He says he is too busy or doesn't have time for, or has no need for God/the tree. He instead, spends his life searching for happiness in pleasure, money, things (house), people (family)/popularity/fame, work/activity, always coming back empty and more unfulfilled, to the point where he wants a boat, to take him away. As if happiness could still be found somewhere apart from God/the tree, (perhaps even turning to accesses (drugs/alcohol). But of course this is a children's book, so it doesn't say that, but you definitely feel the boy's despair and emptiness. In the end, the boy comes back to the tree, and similarly, in the end (or in times of despair) we come back to God.

This story makes me angry because the boy totally takes advantage of the tree and doesn’t appreciate what the tree does for him. He always comes back, wanting more, never satisfied. He doesn’t deserve the tree, but the tree loves him anyway. The tree gives of herself, even at great ultimate cost. At the end, the boy doesn’t confess his unhappiness due to his own selfishness, he doesn’t thank the tree for everything it’s done for him. He just says “I don’t need much now, just a quiet place to sit and rest.” At this point in the story, all that is left of the tree is a stump, and the tree straightens up, and brightly says “well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest.” And the boy does. The boy finds rest on the stump. And the tree was happy.

I was thinking about the boy. He is a lot like mankind, seeking, always seeking things to make him happy. True happiness is not in our power to accumulate possessions or achieve because we always want more than we can have. In Ecclesiastes, Solomon shows how empty it is to pursue the pleasures that this life has to offer, rather than seeking a relationship with the eternal God. The search for pleasure, wealth, and success is ultimately disappointing. Nothing in the world can fill the emptiness and satisfy the deep longings in our restless hearts.

I think we often wish that God was like the giving tree, giving us everything we ask for. I am so glad he does not. But oftentimes, we expect God to give us things to make us happy. We forget that our happiness should be found in Him, not in things and not in a life without Him.  The boy is never happy unless he is WITH the tree. The boy takes and goes away, leaving the tree for a long time, and he comes back, unhappy, asking for more, and the tree gives and the boy takes and goes away, leaving the tree for a long time, and he comes back, unhappy, asking for more, and more until the tree has no more to give, but the very base and roots of an old stump, and the old man has spent his life pursuing things that don’ t make him happy. In the end, the boy and the tree being together makes them happy. In the beginning, when the boy is young, the boy and the tree spend time together, and both are happy, and in the end they spend time together and are happy. See? Happiness comes from knowing and having relationship with God, finding our happiness in Him. God is very patient and loving with us, as the tree was with the boy, despite the way he treated her. God doesn't give us everything we want because, as THE loving father, He knows what is best for us, and knows that denying our selfish and narrow-minded requests, or even just making us wait, and preparing our hearts keeps us from finding happiness in what we ask for, and makes us rely on Him.

Psalm 62: 5-8

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge.  

Living Life Via A Christmas Carol

Living Life Via A Christmas Carol
I woke up this morning, not with cheery Christmas music stuck in my head, but with the pleas of a ghost, ringing in my ears. "Business!?! Mankind was my business". It was the immortal words of Jacob Marley, from Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol. I know, it’s strange. Christmas is not for two and a half months! But, the words were not words escaping a dream of my musings of a Christmas to come or Christmas’ past. They were clear, present, relevant.

You'll recall that A Christmas Carol begins on Christmas Eve with the death of Jacob Marley, Ebenezer Scrooge's business partner. Seven years after his death Marley returns to Scrooge as a ghost wrapped in chains. Here is the text from that scene - from Dickens' A Christmas Carol. As you read, I've highlighted the prevalent words, the parts that impacted me to my core:

    At this the spirit raised a frightful cry, and shook its chain with such a dismal and appalling noise, that Scrooge held on tight to his chair, to save himself from falling in a swoon. But how much greater was his horror, when the phantom taking off the bandage round its head, as if it were too warm to wear in-doors, its lower jaw dropped down upon its breast. Scrooge fell upon his knees, and clasped his hands before his face. 'Mercy!' he said. 'Dreadful apparition, why do you trouble me?' 'Man of the worldly mind!' replied the Ghost, 'do you believe in me or not?' 'I do,' said Scrooge. 'I must. But why do spirits walk the earth, and why do they come to me?' 'It is required of every man,' the Ghost returned, 'that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide; and if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. It is doomed to wander through the world-oh, woe is me!-and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on earth, and turned to happiness.' Again the specter raised a cry, and shook its chain and wrung its shadowy hands. 'You are fettered,' said Scrooge, trembling. 'Tell me why?' 'I wear the chain I forged in life,' replied the Ghost. 'I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. Is its pattern strange to you?' Scrooge trembled more and more. 'Or would you know,' pursued the Ghost, 'the weight and length of the strong coil you bear yourself? It was as full, heavy and as long as this, seven Christmas Eves ago. You have labored on it, since. It is a ponderous chain!' Scrooge glanced about him on the floor, in the expectation of finding himself surrounded by some fifty or sixty fathoms of iron cable: but he could see nothing. 'Jacob,' he said, imploringly. 'Old Jacob Marley, tell me more. Speak comfort to me, Jacob.' 'I have none to give,' the Ghost replied. 'It comes from other regions, Ebenezer Scrooge, and is conveyed by other ministers, to other kinds of men. Nor can I tell you what I would. A very little more is all permitted to me. I cannot rest, I cannot stay, I cannot linger anywhere. My spirit never walked beyond out counting-house-mark me!- in life my spirit never roved beyond the narrow limits of our money-changing hole; and weary journeys lie before me.' It was a habit with Scrooge, whenever he became thoughtful, to put his hands in his breeches pockets. Pondering on what the Ghost had said, he did so now, but without lifting up his eyes, or getting off his knees. 'You must have been very slow about it, Jacob,' Scrooge observed, in a business-like manner, though with humility and deference. 'Slow!' the Ghost repeated. 'Seven years dead,' mused Scrooge. 'And traveling all the time?' 'The whole time,' said the Ghost. 'No rest, no peace. Incessant torture of remorse.' 'You travel fast?' said Scrooge. 'On the wings of the wind,' replied the Ghost. 'You might have got over a great quantity of ground in seven years,' said Scrooge. The Ghost, on hearing this, set up another cry, and clanked its chain so hideously in the dead silence of the night, that the Ward would have been justified in indicting it for a nuisance. 'Oh! captive, bound, and double-ironed,' cried the phantom, 'not to know, that ages of incessant labor by immortal creatures, for this earth must pass into eternity before the good of which it is susceptible is all developed! Not to know that any Christian spirit working kindly in its little sphere, whatever it may be, will find its mortal life too short for its vast means of usefulness! Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunity misused! Yet such was I! Oh! such was I!'
'But you were always a good man of business, Jacob,' faltered Scrooge, who now began to apply this to himself. 'Business!' cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. 'Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!'

The rich language of Dickens is hard to digest for a modern audience, but the truths of it are clear.
 'It is required of every man, that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow-men, and travel far and wide; and if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. It is doomed to wander through the world-oh, woe is me!-and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on earth, and turned to happiness.'
Marley warns: If you do not live the life God calls us to (whether man is told by others, or realizes what God has planed in his heart), you will be condemned to do so after death, to forever watch from a distance, to see clearly what you should have done, and not be part of the happiness, warmth and love you might have shared on earth. To be plagued and overwhelmed by regret. I think that is what hell must be like, in some part.

My spirit never walked beyond our counting-house-mark me!- in life my spirit never roved beyond the narrow limits of our money-changing hole.
Marley never ventured out beyond his own door, to help those around him, those whose needs he saw clearly and did nothing! (Sound familiar?)

'Not to know, that ages of incessant labor by immortal creatures, for this earth must pass into eternity before the good of which it is susceptible is all developed! Not to know that any Christian spirit working kindly in its little sphere, whatever it may be, will find its mortal life too short for its vast means of usefulness! Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunity misused! Yet such was I! Oh! such was I!'Again Marley warns: What you do in life, the good and bad, and what you do not do is accounted for after death. Even at our best, we will not accomplish all we are capable of.Marley did not know that even had he realized his mistake and shown Christian kindness, (even in his small life and remaining time on earth), it would have been only a pale shadow of the good he could have done in his lifetime. He could only regret, but not make right the agony of a wasted my life. He mourned. If only I could go back!

But you were always a good man of business, Jacob,' faltered Scrooge, who now began to apply this to himself. 'Business!' cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. 'Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!' Ebenezer: “But you always worked hard in your business, making a living. You were not a burden to society, and did what you should have done.” Trying to make himself feel and look better.
Marley: “Business?? What I should have done???? Mankind, helping others was what I should have done. The every day helping and befriending of man was what I should have done! Giving generosity and helpfulness - especially toward the needy or suffering -  showing compassionate treatment of those in distress, forgiveness, tolerance & patience, and kindness & grace, were all my business! Making a living is but a pittance compared to what I should have done.”

Whew!!!

While I do not believe that after death we will roam the earth as spirits without rest, I do believe that we will, near the moment of our death, have regrets. We will see things more clearly- see what was important, and wish we had spent our lives differently. Christ calls us to be like Him, to believe in Him, to commit our lives to Him, and in doing so, love and treat others as we would Christ, and at the least, ourselves. To seek out and care for those in need. He promises that if we care for the least of these that it will be as if we will be doing those things as unto Him!

If we claim to know God, we should know what He would have us do to serve and obey Him. We should help others, loving them as we love ourselves and serving them as if they were Christ.

What moves us to care for others? I believe all men know what God would have them do (take care of the poor, sick, hurt, etc). Evidence: If the average man saw someone in trouble, he would have the urge to help (whether he acts on this urge or not). All men have been created by God, in his image and share His heart without knowing where this "natural" inclination springs from - their creator. It is the power of God that transforms the hearts of His children to break for the orphan and widow, the fatherless and helpless.

So what does serving God mean? God does not need anything. Here, Jesus tells us.
Verse 35 - “For I was hungry and you have me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”
Verse 40 - “The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

This clearly explains how to serve God, by serving others. We know the truth, now we must act.
We cannot be hypocrites (Matthew 15:8-9) to acknowledge Him with our lips, but not our hearts, lives or actions. We need to actually know God, by praying & reading the Bible & by knowing what His heart is like, follow the Holy Spirit & to seek after His heart, in action.

To “love your neighbor as you love yourself” Mt 22:39
To treat others as well or better than yourself. To see where people’s genuine needs are- whether food, water, clothing, hospitality or company - to meet those needs as if they (whether friends or strangers) were Jesus himself!

We need to seek out the poor, hungry, thirsty, lonely & imprisoned. We can not serve God only within the comfort of home. This was one of Marley’s mistakes. Though there are poor here, around us, the American poor is not suffering nearly as badly as those in foreign, third-world countries. We should do and give anything, as much and as often as we can, both here, and abroad.

I look at A Christmas Carol as a manifestation of God’s truth, open and plain in every day life. If, in life, we do not see, learn from, and live out the truths we experience around us, then we miss out on the richness of the life we could have.

The name Ebenezer means “memorial established in remembrance of what God has done for a person or group of people”. Charles Dickens chose that name for a reason.

Romans 1:16
    For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile. (Salvation is for everyone!!!)

So, as a pre-Christmas thought: Christmas is about the gift of Jesus to the world. We celebrate by giving material gifts to our families and friends. I often feel that it is such a small piece of the big picture, and a poor sampling of what we can do, in honor of our Savior. And it IS! Unlike Jacob Marley, we have a chance! It is not too late for us! To go about our lives, and merely make a living and take care of our families in the comfort of our homes is a WASTE!!! It is only a drop in the vast ocean of our business. Christ calls us to share the good news of salvation and to serve others as if we were serving HIM! We can be a gift to others, by sharing the goodness of grace that was given freely to us. So, money, friendship, time, help, companionship, food, water???

Let’s go. What are we waiting for??

Channeling my inner Jillian

Today we are talking about my current plans of improving my lifestyle. I am really trying to buckle-down and implement working out into my everyday routine. I have a goal, a project I like to call "Operation Freshman Fifteen" or perhaps "Operation Little Black Bikini". The goal is to drop my weight to what it was during my freshman year of high school. I won't say what that was, but as someone who has always been thinner, it is a very challenging task to accomplish.

At the beginning of the year, I had put on a lot of weight, more than I ever had before. After my husband had deployed for the third time, I got into shape, dropped ten pounds and felt amazing. But after my weight loss goals were reached I kind of "lost the plot", and didn't maintain like I should have. As those of you who have read my previous blogs know, I love fast-food, doughnuts, pizza and well, anything that is deep-fried. I didn't go super nuts, but I did enjoy the naughty things as often as I wanted, and all my hard work of toning the trouble-spots, disappeared.

So now, here I am, back at it again. My sister-in-law mentioned "the Biggest Loser", so I looked into it, bought several cookbooks, dvd's and really bought into the healthy lifestyle that Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels teach to the "losers" at the ranch. Actually, if you were to look around my living room as I write this right now, you would laugh and feel obligated to ask me quiz questions based on the piles of books at my feet, and on both sides of the couch around me. Yes, I've studied the material, thought long and hard, and put together some practical tools to make my life easier and to really utilize what I've learned.

The Tools:
       * Three, one-month workout calendars
       * Twelve, one-week menus, complete with three main meals and two daily snacks & shopping list
       * Three weight-lifting gym workouts, complete with rep, sets & weight tracking sheets
       * Weekly weight, workout, water and vitamin tracking sheets
       * Daily nutrition/portion check-lists, to assure I'm eating all my fruits and veggies.

Needless to say, creating these tools has taken a lot of time and effort, but it really becomes worth it when I am trying to decide what to eat or which workout to do. I don't have to think about it, I just look at the sheet, and chose from seven days-worth of options. It really makes life a lot more simple. Also, the menus with corresponding shopping lists make grocery shopping a breeze! Instead of meal planning for the week (which usually takes 20min to a hour), you just print out one of the weekly menus and shopping lists and go to the store & do your shopping. When you come home and you don't have to figure out what to eat. So, so nice!

So, I'm nine days in, feeling great and on track.

The plan is try to lose the full amount of weight between now and December 25th.
Three months  + 15 lbs = 1/3 of the weight per month.

Diet
Each day I will be consuming around 1,200 calories. And not just any old calories, but I'm eating only the good stuff. I'm using the "biggest loser" as my guide, and the 4-3-2-1 rule with WHAT to eat.
4+ servings of fruits & veggies (2 each), 3 servings of lean protein, 2 servings of good, whole grains and 1 naughty extra. But again, I'm not just blowing those 200 calories, I'm utilizing them to eat good fats. My favorite is instead of putting mayo on a sandwich, I use avocado. It's good fat and it's totally delicious!! Hey, if you're going to eat something fattening, it might as well be both healthy for your body and totally YUM!
I'm getting nearly 100% of my recipes and meal ideas from "The Biggest Loser". I've tried lots of different recipes so far and have been surprised and delighted with everything I've tried.

Excercise
The plan here:
       5 days a week I will be working out 90 minutes, in 3-30 min increments
      2 days a week I will be working out only 30 minutes -  to give myself a few "rest" days.
I've decided to give my best effort; during both down days and 2/3 of the long, 90 min days. I figure, if you're going to do it, you'd better give it your all, instead of only "kinda" doing it and not seeing the results you want for all your time & efforts. I only have three months to lose 15 lbs, and as a smaller person, losing that kind of weight is a lot harder than if I was larger and had more to lose.

Let's face it, my body is pretty efficient at metabolizing food on it's own, but there comes a point where you really have dig deep, sweat, get out of breath and WORK for the extra edge. It's going to be super tough. I don't expect it to be easy, but I do expect results. You might say I have to channel my inner Jillian (Jillian Michaels) and push through it, when I'm feeling tired, sore or when I just don't want to workout at all. We'll see how the project goes.

By-the-way, in case you are wondering what diet/exercise has to do with my/your "inner beauty", well first, God has given each of us only one body, and we should take care of it. Life is precious. Secondly, we should to all things to the Glory of God, (even lifting dumbbells and eating spinach). Thirdly, our bodies are supposed to be a temple for the Holy Spirit. Whether you believe that or not, it stands to reason that if we only have one body, we should take care of it, not trash it. We can either chock our bodies full of caffeine, pastries, butter and cream everyday (or worse, drugs and excessive alcohol), or spend a little time every day working at attaining or maintaining good health.

Side note: when I lose a little weight and gain a little tone makes me feel amazing about myself! While that shouldn't be my primary focus or only focus, it's OK to spend a little time taking care of yourself, whether that means getting more sleep, eating better, taking vitamins or getting more exercise. To focus solely on your exterior is wrong, but that doesn't mean you should neglect your outside either, (not bathing or brushing your teeth would be a BIG mistake :)). Let's work on our "Inner Beauty" from the inside --> out!

An Accomplished Lady

So for some reason today I was thinking about Jane Austen. Probably because I often worry about being a proper steward of my time and day and life, and without a job right now, my life is far less pressed than when I do have a job (and a husband around), and definitely far less pressed than those of you fabulous moms out there. Without sitting down and writing out a priorities list each day, time can pass rather quickly without accomplishing much of anything. So, today I sat down, decided what I want to get done, make a list, and then prioritize them, and then am working on doing them in the order I listed. I can't tell you how good it feels to actually accomplish things!

So, back to Jane. In Pride & Prejudice, they talk about being a truly accomplished lady. In those times "accomplished" means that they are educated (which doesn't mean that they went to school, rather, their mothers have to take the time to give them an education), and they have to take time to cultivate skills. Now we would think, ok, to learn to cook, manage a household, ect. But not with the higher classes. They had servants to take care of their needs. The skills young ladies needed to acquire to be considered truly accomplished were what we would today consider more "recreational" skills or hobbies. To directly quote from the book;


'No one can really esteemed accomplished, who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing and the modern languages to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved.' 


'All this she must possess,' added Darcy, 'and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading.' 

While I do try to read daily, I do not consider sitting down and reading to be a daily "accomplishment". Reading definitely falls under the category of "R&R". The accomplishments of the modern woman (drawing from my last blog, about being gloriously domestic), in my mind at least, would include actual accomplishments, as-in getting stuff DONE. For me, this means keeping the reins of my home in check: paying bills, mowing and weeding the lawn, tending my garden, doing laundry, menu planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, working out, job hunting or working (as work presents itself), bathing and feeding the dog, cultivating relationships and serving those around me.

If I am feeling especially motivated, I might bake or quilt or something like that. I recently had my sister-in-law over and while she sat in the kitchen and talked to me, I busied myself by making dinner, doing dishes, and making some freeze-able tomato sauce for my grilled pizzas (in the summertime) and refrigerator pickles, both from produce harvested from my little garden outside. I was surprised and flattered when my sister-in-law laughed and then commented on what a "domestic goddess" I was being, as I busied myself making sauce and pickles from produce that I had harvested and needed to use up anyway (or it would spoil), while we were catching up.

Her comment surprised me because I spent my childhood on 7 acres, complete with large vegetable garden, fruit orchards and cattle pasture. It was typical, if not routine to make our own jam, raise and butcher our own beef, can our own vegetables and fruit, and make apple juice and sauce every fall. Sure, we still shopped at Safeway, like everyone else, but we also (somewhat) lived off the land, and that became a regular way of life. As an adult with my own home, I only live on a quarter acre, and instead of a large, 1/2 acre garden, I only have a 130 square foot garden, with limited space to grow what I wish I had room to. This fall I am enjoying my own lettuce, spinach, carrots, green beans, tomatoes and a few strawberries, as well as fresh herbs. Had I more room, I would like to be able to grow more tomatoes, squash, corn, blueberries and raspberries. Growing and enjoying my own produce is just a way of life for me. It's totally natural and I think I take for granted that some, if not most women do not even garden at all, and some do not hardly even cook.

For dinner, we enjoyed a baked acorn squash and grilled chicken and fruit (mango, avocado, strawberry) salad, with blue cheese and walnuts. It was a simple and delicious (not to mention relatively healthy) dinner, but her comment again reminded me that not all families take the time to cook for themselves and enjoy simple but delicious dinners. Lately I have also enjoyed some extra time off while I look for a new job, and I use some of that time to work out. In short, from one simple comment I realized that some modern women would look up to me as a "truly accomplished woman". I have been called a domestic goddess and also a Martha Stuart wannabe. It is strange that in Jane Austen's day, the wealthy, idle women were considered the accomplished ones, and the ones doing the work (cooking, cleaning) were the hired servants, to be looked down upon.

What a joy and a comfort to know that despite the days  I do not feel I am accomplishing much, to others I am respected as a truly accomplished lady :))

The Glory of being Domestic

Hey friends, thanks for dropping in! I woke up this morning and thought, Saturday, what should I do today?? Well amidst a slew of other options, I decided to spend it relaxing, and cooking. With my new diet/exercise regimen, I woke up feeling sore from head to toe, so I felt that spending most of the day either relaxing on the couch, watching movies or cooking up a storm would be the most valuable use of my time.Truth be told, I had about 6lbs of ground turkey to use up, so I figured, I'll just cook today, and then I won't have to cook for most of the rest of the week. Lately, a good chunk of my weekdays are spent working out and then running errands, so by dinnertime, I feel pretty drained and not in any kind of mood to make myself anything for dinner.I just open the fridge and grab whatever looks easy and edible.

I honestly love to cook, so it's strange to be in a place in life where I don't love it. I feel that way more often than I like to admit. Mainly, the reason is being on my own. Jason is gone so much that I have so many more reasons to dread his leaving than just missing him and sleeping alone. I know that all sounds strange, but when you have someone to cook for, it makes it all worth it. If it's just yourself it is just as easy, if not MORE easy to just grab some grape-nuts or something.

I'm a lot like Juila Child, in that I love my husband and I love to cook, and a lot like Julie Powell in that I am young, don't have kids and a lot of the time, I have NO CLUE what I'm doing. I want my life to matter, but in our society, we are constantly being bombarded with messages saying that, as a woman, if you aren't thin, pretty and have a successful career then you aren't worth anything, or you aren't living up to your potential. Speaking of Julie & Julia, lets talk about one my favorite movies. Julie & Julia, an absolutely brilliant movie, that is super fun to watch and leaves you hungry and wishing you were more interested in cooking. I even feel that way, me, who loves to cook.

Julie Powell says a line, early on in the movie that illustrates how she feels about cooking. "You know what I love about cooking, I love that after a day when nothing is sure, and I mean nothing, you can come home and absolutely know that if you add egg yolks to chocolate and sugar and milk, it will get thick. It's such a comfort."

I feel similarly about cooking. My quote would be, "You know what I love about cooking, I love that after a day when you don't know if what you've been doing matters to anyone, or amounts to anything, you can come home, pick a recipe, add one thing to another, and when you put it on the table, it's delicious, it's warming for the stomach and the soul, and you know that this thing that you've done, matters. You're appreciated, you're successful, and the meal is enjoyed so much more than a bowl of grape-nuts. It's such a comfort."

We women, like Julie during her dreaded, ritual Cobb salad luncheon with her "friends" are surrounded with superficial relationships and a crushing feeling of not being good enough, not glamorous or thin or busy enough. If only we could find something that we truly enjoy doing that we know others appreciated, and more importantly, in doing so, could express our love to those around us. That is what cooking, and being a home-maker (or as I like to call it a "Domestic Dorothy") does for me. I know, you're thinking, "but it's domestic diva, Megan!" Yeah, I know. But I never liked the word diva. Diva's, by definition are all about themselves, like Tinkerbell. I made up the term "Domestic Dorothy" in honor of my grandmother, who, while not the most memorably-good cook, was always warm, loving and would welcome people into her home and make strangers feel like family in no time. That is what I hope to accomplish as a "Domestic Dorothy".

*Favorite quote: "I could write a blog, I have thoughts!"

And so I blog. I love Julie& Julia because it mirror's my life and my doubts and desires. I've been SUPER tempted to make like Julie Powell and cook through Julia Child's Cookbook Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I received a copy for Christmas last year from my mother, after telling her how much I loved the movie and would love a copy of the cookbook. Yes, I would love to learn to cook better, as I trust, spending so much time cooking from French recipes and cooking methods would no doubt teach me. I so want to cook through the book if for no other reason than to have great excuses to have people over, which I love to do. The reason I don't? Unfortunately, Julia's book is laced with recipes calling for Butter and Cream!!! And despite the desire to lose 15lbs by Christmas, I LOVE to eat, so I'd probably GAIN 15 lbs, not lose them. The mixture of cooking and eating butter and cream based meals, as well as the usual holiday food would produce largely negative results, and not assist at all, in what I am trying to accomplish in terms of weight-loss. But that is another topic for another day's blog.

Back to the movie: I watch Julia shopping and walking along the streets of Paris and looking at the beautiful view out her window and it makes my mouth water!! I would love to travel! It's one of the things I regret not being able to do the most. Jason travels so much for work, that when he is finally home, all he wants to do is stay home. And while, for him, his coming home is relaxing and a vacation in itself (from work) is actually MORE work and less-like vacation for me than normal (more cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.). As a understanding wife, I don't complain. But I don't only envy Julia for her time living in Paris, but also for the closeness in relationship she had with Paul, her husband. They complimented and supported each other. They talked about everything and weren't threatened by each-others hobbies and successes. They weren't afraid to talk to one another and be challenged or encouraged by one another. Paul was concerned with Julia's happiness, and it showed! In kind, Julia learned to love something that could show Paul how much she loved him. I love my husband, but the military lifestyle effectually ROBS us of about half of our life together. It is not an easy sacrifice to make, and it is a difficult life. I don't make comments on Jason and my relationship to say "boo-hoo, poor us" but to communicate the heartsickness I suffer from not knowing my husband as much as I feel I should in five years of marriage.

*Side note: I have actually made chicken with cream, mushrooms and port, and YES, it was pure bliss!!! THAT is the kind of food I love to cook and to eat.

As I watch the movie (again) I keep wanting to interact with it. I find myself agreeing - saying "yes!" to so many things that Julie Powell felt. While cooking, I usually imagine that some culinary giant such as Julia Child or Ina Garten or even Rachel Rae is standing beside me, cooking, chatting, BONDING. I have imaginary friends to cook with and even an imaginary audience that I talk to as if I had my own show. This blog too! I imagine I have 100 readers who NEVER comment, but the truth is, no one knows about me. No one reads. I feel as if I am just sending this off into a giant void. I wish I had real friends that I could share life and hobbies with and show how to cook for REAL instead of imaginary ones.

For the time being, I will have to continue praying that God brings the gift of girlfriends into my life, and continue cooking, lovingly, for my husband. I have been blessed with a husband who is not a culinary snob.In fact, he would probably be happy eating canned soups and mac & cheese all the time if I let him. But I do not feel that serving mediocre food is acceptable. Despite my husbands happy and forgiving pallet, I would rather take the extra time and trouble making something delicious! Secretly, not only do I love to eat, but I desire to make food that is delicious as a demonstration of my love, and not just wanting to be mediocre or do the bare minimum, but to go the extra mile, to make something special because he, my husband is so, so special and precious to me.

Incidentally, the music of the movie is gorgeous and a soulful reflection of the tone of the two leading ladies! For Julia Child there are two versions of "time after time", one instrumental, preformed just for the movie, and a beautiful, sultry love-song version, sung by Margaret Whiting. For Julie Powell, there's a great, unapologetic, raw and honest song called "Stop the Train", sung by Henry Wolfe. I am a HUGE fan of movie soundtracks, and though there aren't many non-musical score songs from this movie, the few used are absolute gems! Lastly, is another personal favorite. "A Bushel and a Peck", sung by Dorris Day. The song, like the scene it plays over is as delicious and irresistible as the chocolate goddess cake that Julie's husband Eric smears all across his face. It is just sooooo goooood!!! Both the song and the scene are my favorites of the movie and make me smile so BIG!


I look up to Julia Child and characters in the movie Mona Lisa Smile, which takes place in the 50's (though ironically not Julia Robert's character) and think "how glamorous". You may think "a housewife? glamorous?" but think it through. Who is more glamorous then the Martha Stuart-type home-maker, those that take delight in making their homes clean and beautiful, who host beautiful parties and serve wonderful food? I think of someone like Julia Child.

I try not to sit around too much, envying fictional people from movies, or real people for that matter. I'd like to think that I try to be content as I am. God has gifted me with the time, desire and talent to cook and be a home-maker right now. So why not aspire to be the best I can be at what God has made me to be? Still, I wish I lived in a time that was more appreciative and less degrading of the stay-at-home mom's. I wish I lived in another time where it was a glamorous thing to stay-at-home, and not something others looked down on, thinking "that's all you do???".


So, that is it. My secret wish is that I wish I had lived in the 1950's, where it was not common for a woman to have a career outside of the home, but where women were expected to be beautiful wives, devoted mothers and warm home-makers. That is my dream. I hate the modern world's expectations that a woman must have a career in order to be respected and admired. My sweet husband would rather I stay at home and do what I do best, feeling fulfilled, rather than work, (making a pittance compared to him) and feeling awful about it. Someday I hope to have children and to be a dedicated and glorious stay-at-home mom. Aside from my grandmother, Dorothy, the other women that I have the most respect for are my Mom, and the Christian stay-at-home wives and mothers who understand the importance of what they do and who dedicate their lives to making their families lives richer and more delicious!

Psalms 31:10-31 paraphrased
     The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who works hard, serves and prepares for her family and lives and serves God. Give her dues, shower her life with praises! It is a glorious, and God-honoring thing to be a Domestic Dorothy!! 

~ This blog is dedicated to my mom, Yvonne. I hope to be more like you as life goes on: the finest wife and mother that I know.

Get a little Glee

   Let's talk about one of my favorite recent topics : Glee!! Now, stop, I know what you are probably thinking (especially if you are a guy or a non-glee fan) but Glee is good, the music is great, and the topics brought forward and the insights I've had from them go right to the heart. In some ways, Glee is "good-for-the-soul" good!

Let me back up and make a VERY important admission. When I started massage school two years ago I had never watched Glee, and I was a very bad at pretending that I did. It was because of a wonderful woman named Erin Murphy, the eccentric Spa teacher at Everest. She sold me on becoming a massage therapist before I even started school because she, herself was so full of life and fun that it was contagious!! So, I enrolled. But I digress. Anyway, when I would come into spa class on Fridays she would talk about how great that weeks episode was and I would desperately try to pretend that I knew what she was talking about so we'd have something to talk about and so she'd like me.

It was probably six months later that I first saw Glee. The show opened my eyes to new music that I had never before heard, and done new spins on old classics, most of which I really liked. The show itself has characters that I both love and hate, and love-to-hate and well, as a former high school drama/music geek and outcast, I got hooked.

I've always loved to sing and act. In grade school I almost always took the lead parts in plays or solos and it really bolstered my confidence and made me feel special and important. I've realized recently that I really miss that. I've thought about trying to find some local singing groups or theater to take part in, but haven't followed through. I digress more.

I identified with the characters, and found myself rooting for them, sometimes out-loud. But it's not the characters that I love or that keeps me coming back for me week after week. It's the music and the spirit of the music. Outside of the show, I will chose to listen to music from Glee more often then practically any other music I own. The reason; it touches my soul. Music affects me more than anything.

Example: "I feel pretty/unpretty". When I listen to this song, I realize that a lot of time I do feel unpretty or unvaluable. I empathize a lot with Rachel Berry. I look around me and see so many other girls that seem prettier or more talented or more sexy than me, and I doubt my own worth. The songs says "you can look inside you, find out who am I too, to be in a position to make me feel so unpretty" and it makes me wonder why I feel so unpretty or unvaluable sometimes.

What makes a person valuable? Looks? There are characters in the show and people in life who are both incredibly beautiful and horrible people that I wouldn't want to be friends with, let alone in the same room with. Wealth? Again, there are people with money who are miserable and some that have nothing and are very happy. Fame? Popularity? Love?

How about "Born This Way",
   I'm beautiful in my way
   'Cause God makes no mistakes
   I'm on the right track baby
   I was born this way
   Don't hide yourself in regret
   Just love yourself and you're set
   I'm on the right track baby
   I was born this way

Now I know it's a Lady Gaga (the queen of self-love, and not God's love) song, but again... I really enjoy this song, and it gives credit to God, saying "God makes no mistakes". What an uplifting message. The episode that features this song has each student idetifying something about themselves that they are self-conscious about and printing it on a shirt, to be shown, proudly to the world, as something they were born with and there-by something they should learn to love about themselves, and not try to hide or be unhappy about.


I think if I'm unhappy it's because I'm alone SO MUCH. I have been married for nearly five years and I've spent probably at least HALF of that time on my own. I have lived here for the same five years and I can only count ONE person that I'm not married or related to that I consider a friend. I don't do well with LOT of so-so friends. I need a Diana Berry. I need ONE close, bosom friend that I can share my life with. I know it needs to be a woman and that however much I love my husband, he will never be a girlfriend or take the place of one. That kind of friendship is a gift from God, and I have been steadily, faithfully praying for a friend I can tell anything to and not be afraid or ashamed.

I am ashamed of my loneliness. I feel as though the life I have been called to calls me equally to be alone, and strong and brave and uncomplaining in it. I take some comfort when people say "I don't know how you do it". I feel like a carved figure on the prow of a ship; (fully-clothed of course) smiling - beautiful and weathered, embodying strength and faithfulness and inspiring hope as I gaze longingly and endlessly to the horizon. Truth be told, I don't know how I do it, and I wish I didn't have to. I think if I admit that I'm lonely to people, it shows my vulnerability and lack of strength. I try so hard to be strong, to act like it's no big deal, like it's easy to be along, but it's not. I want people to look at me and admire me. But it's a front. I think if people saw the true me I'd be wearing a white T-shirt that says LONELY... and I'd be crying, not smiling.

That's what I think about. I think listening to Glee music makes me stop, listen and think about elements of my life that I may not usually ponder on. Another good example: "As Long as You're There", sung beautifully by a very talented, but minor character, drives straight to my core. Listening to it is like my heart's cry, the thing I wish my darling husband would know and understand;
       Baby 'cause I don't need anything else but your love
       Nothing but you means a thing to me
       I’m incomplete
      When you’re not there
      Holding me, touching me, I swear
      All of the rest could just disappear
      And I would not even care
      As long as you’re there

Recently, the show had Rachel Berry sing "My Man" from Funny Girl. It's one of my favorite songs of all time, and I can't even listen to it without mouthing the words and crying, heart aching, because I love my husband so, SO much. This song says exactly what is in my heart, and what I would have him know
     Oh, my man I love him so
     He'll never know
    All my life is just despair
    But I don't care
    When he takes me in his arms
    The world is bright, alright
    What's the diference if I say "I'll go away":
    When I know I"ll come back
    On my knees someday
    For whatever my man is
    I am his, forever more

Ultimately, loneliness and sadness is part of life, but as I reflect over "as if we never said goodbye", watching the moon glow and the stars twinkle through a thin veil of clouds, I am reminded that even the deepest loneliness and longing serve a purpose. They remind me of my need for God and my longing for home, my true home in heaven, where things will be brighter and bigger and better than anything we've experienced before.

I don't want to be alone
That's all in the past
This world's waited long enough
I'll come home at last!!!!!

And this time will be bigger
And brighter than we knew it
So watch me fly, we all know I can do it...
Could I stop my hand from shaking?
Has there ever been a moment
With so much to live for?

While the song is from a musical called "Sunset Boulevard" and is talking about something completely obscure, I listen to the lyrics, my soul soars and I imagine Christ calling me home, flying through the night clouds and belonging, safe, loved and forever secure! I often watch shows and movies, listen to music or read books and see some part of myself in it. I find myself through those things, and not always my best self. I envy, begrudge, feel sorry for myself and feel the sinful sting of pride at times. Then, like the last song, am driven towards God, to how he sees me, and how, through the power of the Holy Spirit and of Christ working in me, I can be changed! If, in these blogs, I am too honest or express some of these good, or bad elements of myself, I do it only to be changed, to self-examine and try to become a better person. If I find myself in secular, common things, that is become I am a creature of this earth, sinful and saved only by Jesus. 


Music is like a window to the soul, expressing more deeply and clearly than plain words can ever hope to. The melody, the heart behind it, is just so true and right. It lets the heart speak, it lets the spirit soar. Music draws my soul towards my creator. The word "glee" means; great delight or pleasure. I need more glee in my life.