Happily Ever After?

This posting goes out especially to the young, unmarried ladies out there, who may be disillusioned (like I was) prior to marriage. Those of you who are married may find yourself laughing or nodding along with me. And please, if you have any undiscovered tips or questions, leave a comment :))

Ok, so, the title. All of us ladies (and even a few guys) know what I'm talking about here. We grow up watching Disney-like movies where each and every Princess or female heroine has their humble beginnings; Snow White, Jasmine, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty ), Belle, Ariel, Mulan, Pocahontas, Maid Marian, Lady (as in Lady & the Tramp), Giselle, and Rapunzel, Tiana (Princess & the Frog), Megara (Hercules), Jane (Tarzan), Penelope, Anastasia, and of course, Cinderella. Each have to face some adversity, whether that means an abusive family or a fierce dragon, and then their man comes to rescue them and sweep them off their feet. They get married and then live "happily ever after". In no subsequent moves that I've ever seen do they show what happens after the wedding, when real, married life sets in.

So, we young, Christian women, have our parents and then the relationships we see in the movies as role models for what our future marriages will look like. I was fortunate enough not to have any marital issues, divorce or even open arguments modeled for me, so as a young bride, I though going into marriage was going to be pure, fairy-tale bliss; with my prince charming carrying my off into the sunset and living happily, thereafter. What I didn't account for was that my husband is a person, and not a fictional character, and also a MAN and not some chick-flick guy who hangs on my every breath and word and can't live one second without me. I've dated guys like that, and it's actually really annoying!

My man is an absolute STUD, who has a very demanding and dangerous job that he loves and besides that he is relatively independent in relationships, compared to me, who would have lived with my parents until I was 40, had I not gotten married. I am actually more like that annoying guy who hangs on his woman's every word and action. Or at least I was at first. I was all about my man, and didn't really work at creating my own life outside of him. Now, sure, most newlywed women proabably do this to some degree, and to some degree, it's ok, because your husband comes home to you every night. But in my case, my husband works 9-13 hour days, leaves town frequently for work-related training (sometimes as much as 2/4 weeks per month) and then deploys for 6months at a time. I remember the moment I had to decide whether to continue to let my life be tied to my husband and what he was doing or take the aggressive steps necessary to make my life full during the first deployment; making friends, getting a job, getting involved in activities and hobbies with other people. Sadly, I didn't make the necessary steps to "stay busy" during the first deployment, and so I missed out on the richness and fullness of life without my husband for that first six-month deployment, and was very lonely. Of the three deployments, the first was the hardest, for that reason. I think I was disillusioned that "being one flesh" meant we were going to do everything together, and unlike most traditional relationships, ours was destined to be anything but, due to the demands of his job.

My expectations and reality were not matching up. I was freaking out all the time because we weren't "OK", meaning the life I thought I was supposed to be having (the happily-ever-after), wasn't happening. I was focusing so much on him, that my relationship with HIM, was suffering, so much so that my relationship with God was practically non-existent. It was strange to realize that my husband was becoming almost an idol-like figure in my life, taking my focus away from where it should have been. I was so dependent on my hubby that it was messing with my priorities. That's why I am 100% convinced that God chose Jason for me, because He knew that his job would take the competition for my heart away from him, and put it back on God, out of pure need. Life during deployments and TDY's get pretty lonely. And also, I've prayed for girl-friends for years and it seemed that God was not listening. I wondered "why is it so hard to send a great woman or two along to help support and encourage me through the hard, lonely times?" But God knew better. He knew that my focus needed to be shifted back to where it belongs.

So, realizations: my husband is supposed to be my best friend, yes (which he is). He is NOT, however going to meet my every need, see to my every whim, and do everything I want him to, or be the bosom friend that I so desperately wanted. That's what girlfriends are for.

So, what I've learned since being married.

• God should be my primary focus, and where I should go to for the source of my happiness, and not my husband, as he cannot meet all my needs. He isn't supposed to.
• I need to let my husband be the man that he is; not expecting him to spill his guts to me every hour, let alone every day.
• I need to tell him my needs, and not expect him to read my mind. It may not be as romantic (to us girls it feels like a laundry list or something), but then it's not as if you haven't told him if he says he didn't know.
• Be willing to forgive, laugh, and let him be who he is, loving every minute of it!
• I need be OK, if things aren't picture-perfect, if there's a little tension, disagreement or slightly heated discussion. That a big one for me.
• Get some girl-friends who will do the girly things (that a man won't), and have good heart to heart talks.
• A lasting relationship doesn't mean you'll always be seriously in love, it means you'll always be seriously committed!